Sharing a Facebook account with my partner happened shortly after we decided to commit our lives to each other. It came up one day when I casually asked what he thought of my frequent Facebook updates and contact with my Facebook friends. He is not much of a Facebooker at all, and almost never posts, and so he responded that it did feel like I had my own world that he was not a part of. We both entered the relationship with belief and hope in the biblical definition of marriage to cleave and become one flesh, but I have to say, he came more ready, and with a more mature understanding of what this really means than me.
After thinking about it, and doing some research, I returned and asked him what he thought of us sharing a new account together. He was all aboard with the idea and I went off and thought some more about it. Admittedly, my individual Facebook account was more "precious" to me than his was to him. I was averaging more than 20 likes per post (wow!! I'm childish, yes, I know) and I used it to promote my emceeing services in Singapore and keep in touch with new acquaintances professionally. But the more I thought about what he said, and about what I wanted in a marriage, the more I realised that it was petty selfishness that was keeping me cleaved to my account. I asked myself several questions like, what would my family and friends think? Would they assume I'd lost my own identity? Would I lose new friends? But then, really, if I'd chosen to marry this man, what kind of individual identity was I hoping to keep? And the reality regarding the so-called new friends I have is that the superficial relationship we share online is simply nothing compared to the consistent love my fiancé has showered on me. Not to mention, my Facebook contains profiles of ex-boyfriends, previous-dates, and current suitors, some of whom have no qualms about poking me, or sending me a message that inadvertently reminisces about our history. So did his, and surely if he'd spent as much time on his account as I did, I would feel insecure. It took me a couple of months of resistance and seeking, and a couple of days of administration, but finally, and joyfully, our new, shared Facebook account was made (There currently isn't a way to transfer data between accounts) containing snippets of our lives together.
So far, it's been great. The level of disclosure and accountability we share from this simple act has added to the foundation we are trying to build for our marriage. Sure, we do get a couple of comments from friends who protest that they don't know which one of us is posting, but that can be easily resolved by creating a group for your own friends and making posts visible to just them, so his friends don't have to deal with my endless status updates and self-shots, and my friends don't have to bother with his soccer news or events. Other than that, we feel that the friends we have chosen to add to our new life together have been great and still use the messenger to contact us, even though it may be a private message.
I know some people think it is a dumb idea and are convinced it is a sign that couples who do this don't trust each other, but it works for us. After all, we are told to "put no confidence in the flesh" (Philippians 3: 1-11) and pulling out the "why don't you trust me" card is another way of saying "I can remain faithful on my own strength" and boast in that, leading to self-righteousness, and pride; both of which do nothing towards a loving, cleaving marriage. Coming from a past ridden with double lives and secrecy, this shared Facebook is refreshing and lovely to me. My friend list has gone from 850 to 88. We have only trusted friends and supportive family on it so on one hand, I am more thoughtful about my language and candor, and on the other hand, less conscious about being well "liked" by the masses.
Here are quotes from some people who gave me the encouragement to pursue transparency and honesty in our marriage:
From Times Union
DEEEE says:
Facebook is becoming an issue in more and more marriages. Couples who
are having struggles in their marriages, use FB to reach out to old
flames instead of working on their own relationship. I have a friend
who is a divorce attorney and says that FB comes up in about 50% of all
divorce proceedings. FB is great for keeping in touch, but can be
dangerous if not used for it’s intended purpose. I admire couples who
have put safeguards into their marriage, not for reasons of trust, but
because they both understand how tempting it can be to stray when
stresses occur.
I work in divorce support. Probably 2/3 of divorcing people had their
spouse rekindle and old flame from hig school or college via FB.. It’s
best for those of you who want your private lives and secrets to avoid
marriage. Private conversations with old lovers (or new) are a sure way
to end up in the 50% who get divorced. Secrets like that make for a
bad marriage. Just too tempting for most weak souls. The me me me me
generation will most likely not register this comment.
Cynthia says:
My husband and I started sharing a Facebook account a few years ago when we both started getting old flames
contacting us when we both had separate accounts. We decided that it
would be best if we just shared one to avoid old flames causing trouble.
We figured they would see we were committed and it would give us access
to each others lives, even though we trust each other. It’s been about 3 years now and it’s great! Some of my friends think
it’s weird and get confused but we say, “that any friend of mine is a
friend of his.” Our friends can tell who is posting depending on the content. Now
that we have done this we have about 4 others friends on FB who decided
to share one as well!
But a mental departure from our marriage is just as damaging as a
physical departure, and if a mental departure goes unchecked, it almost
always leads to a physical departure. Sadly, Andy and I know at least
two couples personally that have lost their spouse because of a
Facebook (or other internet venue) affair.
*****
If merging accounts sounds like an administrative nightmare, you can also consider this.
